My old friend Veritatus has submitted another satire in the form of a news story from Durham, N.C.
Nichol to be Recruited by Duke’s Group of 88
Durham, NC—In the wake of the dismissal of rape charges against three former Duke University lacrosse players, Duke’s Group of 88 professors are regrouping to continue their struggle against racism, mysogyny and privilege. Their plans include recruiting College of William and Mary President Gene R. Nichol, who would resign his position in Williamsburg, Va., and join the Duke faculty as Dean of Inconsequential and Politically Correct Studies.
The fact that Attorney General Roy Cooper after three months of investigation could find no evidence of wrong-doing on the part of the former players, leaves the Group undaunted and reenergized to take up their cause to spread their brand of mindless political correctness to every corner of the Duke campus. Their success to date in cowing the Duke administration and board has given them a taste of victory and capitalist blood.
Soon after allegations of rape and other crimes surfaced in the spring of 2006, 88 members of the faculty and 16 Duke departments and programs denounced the lacrosse players in a public statement asserting that something “happened” to the accuser. The Group committed themselves to “turning up the volume” and thanked the campus protesters who branded the players “rapists” while distributing “wanted” posters around campus. The Group promised that their crusade “won’t end with what the police or the courts say.”
“Gene Nichol will be a perfect 89th member of our group,” confirmed Professor of Empathy Studies Y.R. Feelings. He’s got it all in one package. Feelings went on to identify some of Nichol’s major accomplishments while at the helm of William and Mary. These include:
1) A campus-wide email condemning the cowardice of those who had released into the public domain the name of a woman who had accused a male student of rape. The male student whose name was prominently featured in the media was bounced out of William and Mary. Later the county prosecutor dropped all charges.
2) A running media battle over the failure of the local voter registrar to allow students from other states to register to vote in Williamsburg, VA, home of William and Mary. Apparently the misguided registrar thought that students, in order to register, should declare full Virginia citizenship by paying Virginia state and local taxes and registering their cars in Virginia. The flap died down when it became clear that these new Virginia residents would be entitled to in-state tuition and thereby seriously deplete the William and Mary revenue budget.
3) Removal of the cross from the almost 300-year-old campus chapel in a move to be more sympathetic to persons of other faiths who might be offended by the chapel’s cross. Voices raised in protest largely went unheard by Nichol though the cross will now be displayed in a glass case as an inconvenient relic.
“If we get Nichol, this will be a twofer,” stated B.E. Stronger Duke Professor of Self-Esteem Studies. “This guy Nichol is the grand guru of political correctness, and he’s a china shop bull who can be counted on to create controversy where there is none.”
The Group also is counting on Nichol to deal with the considerable embarrassment of the Duke Chapel, possibly converting it to an indoor practice field for lacrosse.