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Cool
Head Luke
Act
IV
This
episode: The
Club-Footed Duck
Starring:
Cool
Head Luke, a dashing young governor
The
Hoarse Whisperer, a Cool Head confidant
Elle
Quibble, Cool Head’s press secretary
Shirley
Y-Sparrow, former transportation secretary
And Debuting:
Press-On
Bryant, a good man
Historic
Southern Governor in his new role as "The
Mad Mayor"
Goldilocks,
the Mad Mayor’s side-kick
The
Richmond
Symphony
The
Dyslexic Policy Adviser
And In A Return Engagement:
The
Deer-in-the-Headleightys, Cool Head’s crooners
The
Opening Scene:
Lights
fade up. The
Deer-in-the-Headleightys croon a line from the
Animals tune: “We
got to get out of this place, if it’s the last
thing we ever do.”
Cool
Head stands at the open window of his high, third
floor office. There
is gothic ambiance. It
is a cool, gray January day.
Clouds pass by overhead.
Cool Head looks remorsefully down at the limp
corpse of Press-On Bryant, a good man, who is
hanging now by his neck, alone and forlorn, from the
scaffolding that surrounds the capitol.
Cool Head knows in his heart that Press-On
has made his legacy possible.
He wonders why some of the senior guys
didn’t swing. Why
not Callahan? Parrish?
He wonders why Republicans eat their young,
then reflects: So
do some grades of spiders.
Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.
Sound
effects: Knock,
knock, knock.
Cool
Head: “Come
in.”
Elle
Quibble enters. Cool
Head notices that everyone in the outer office is
wearing snappy, British-looking safari outfits,
complete with shooting jackets and bush hats folded
up on one side. Some
have binoculars around their necks.
Others carry good luggage, expensive stuff
from Abercrombie and Fitch.
Cool
Head: “What’s
with the get-ups?”
Elle
Quibble. “Game
and Inland Fisheries sent them over, sir.
They caught a sale somewhere down in
Mozambique.”
Cool
Head: “Where’s
mine?”
Elle
Quibble: “You
can’t have one of those, sir. You’ve
got to put on the club-footed duck outfit.
Tradition, you know.”
Cool
Head grimaces. The
Hoarse Whisperer and the Dyslexic Policy Adviser
follow Elle Quibble into the inner office.
Cool
Head: “Okay,
guys. What
have we got today?”
Elle
Quibble: “Well,
sir, you have a cabinet meeting this morning and the
General Assembly is back.”
She hands Cool Head a copy of the morning
paper. “And
Richmond has a new mayor.”
Cool
Head recognizes the man in the photo.
His stomach turns cold.
A chill zips ups his back.
He looks up at Elle Quibble.
Cool
Head: “What’s
his deal?”
Elle
Quibble: “He’s
just mad, sir. Mad
yesterday. Mad
today. Mad
forever.”
Cool
Head nods. “That
figures. Who’s
that with him?” He
points to the Alfred E. Newman look-alike, pictured
with the Mad Mayor.
Elle
Quibble: “That’s
Goldilocks, the Mad Mayor’s side-kick.
The brains of the operation.”
Cool
Head addresses the Hoarse Whisperer.
Cool
Head: “What’s
the House of Delegates’ gig this time?”
The
Hoarse Whisperer, hoarsely:
“Marriages, sir.
Sanctity of marriage.”
Cool
Head: “Marriage?
Sanctity? What
could 100 delegates with maybe 300 marriages among
them possibly know about the sanctity of
anything?”
The
Hoarse Whisperer:
“Good question, chief.
We’ll put that one on the SOLs and see if
we can come up with an answer.”
Cool
Head turns to the Dyslexic Policy Adviser:
“What else?”
The
Dyslexic Policy Adviser, smartly, officiously:
“Snug and Dog!”
Cool
Head, puzzled, bewildered:
“Snug and Dog?”
The
Hoarse Whisperer leans to him and whispers,
hoarsely: “Guns
and God.”
Cool
Head nods and turns his attention back to Elle
Quibble.
Cool
Head: “What
about new revenue?”
Elle
Quibble: “Flush
tax, sir.”
Cool
Head: “Flush
tax?”
Elle
Quibble:
“Yessir. Flush
tax. Everybody
around here is so full of s….Well, you get the
picture sir. If
we can just tax the flushes, we’ll soon run a
surplus.” She
pauses. “But
there is bad
news
, sir. Some of
the leading thinkers want a six, or even eight, year
term for the governor’s office.”
Cool
Head: “They
must be smoking crack.”
Three years seems like thirty, he thinks.”
He is irritable, contemplating the day.
“Okay, let’s get this over with.
The cabinet first.”
Cool
Head opens the door into his cabinet meeting
room and though all of his cabinet members are
present, they’re all busy putting on parachutes
and don’t even look up.
Cool Head shuts the door without interrupting
them and dismisses Elle Quibble, the Hoarse
Whisperer, and the Dyslexic Policy Adviser.
Cool Head is alone again.
He is in a funk. At that moment, Shirley
Y-Sparrow flutters to the windowsill.
Shirley
Y-Sparrow: “Thweet.
Thweet.”
Cool
Head smiles and addresses her apologetically.
Cool
Head: “You
were right. We
haven’t built a foot of road since you left.”
Shirley
Y-Sparrow flutters away.
Cool
Head’s despondency deepens.
He sits, contemplating the club-footed duck
outfit he’s destined to wear before this day is
out. But just
as he hits bottom emotionally, a soaring rendition
of the Richmond Symphony’s "Hail to the
Chief" reaches his ears from the yard below.
He brightens! He
perks up! Can
it be? Finally?
Yes! "The
nation summons me!" he thinks.
But at that heart-pounding instant, there is,
again, an ominous knock at the door and Cool Head
freezes, heart in his throat, temples pounding.
Sound
effects: Knock,
knock, knock.
Elle
Quibble rushes in.
She’s concealing something behind her back.
Elle
Quibble: “The
Mad Mayor’s downstairs!
He’s wearing a 40 foot ermine cape and
he’s banging on the door!”
Cool
Head: “What’s
he want?”
Elle
Quibble: “He’s
demanding that he be allowed to make the General
Assembly’s committee appointments!”
Cool
Head: “Well
give them to him! That’s
the only way to deal with this guy!
Say, did you hear that music playing for
me?”
Elle
Quibble: “Sorry
boss. They’re
playing for him.
That’s the Mad Mayor’s symphony now.
Part of the advance team.
They brass him in and out, everywhere he
goes.”
Their
eyes lock. The
lights fade slowly. The
Deer-in-the-Headleightys begin a soft croon:
“We got to get out of this place…”
Elle Quibble reveals the garment she has
concealed behind her back, but Cool Head refuses to
look at it. He
knows it is the thing he abhors most…the dreaded
club-footed duck outfit.
The
lights go black.
The
End
-- January 31, 2005
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